The Newest Host
by Alayna36
Summary: Uchiha Itachi, welcome to the Host Club!" were words that Itachi had never once thought he would hear. How does he cope with not only the fangirls, but the other members of the club? And how does Deidara handle his disguise to infiltrate it... as a girl?
1. In Which Itachi Joins the Host Club

Itachi was waiting for Kisame to meet up with him in a small tea shop in the middle of the deep woods. It was hardly necessary for them both to go fetch their assigned tailed beast—Kisame was more than enough. He would arrive soon enough. In the meantime, Itachi had taken advantage of this rare opportunity to drink tea in peace and comfort. He had already taken a sip when he first noticed that something about it was a bit off. He studied it closely for poison, though it was unbelievable that someone this deep in the woods would dare try to poison him; if they knew he was a member of the most feared criminal organization in the world, they also must know that he is Uchiha Itachi, murderer of his clan, and Sharingan master. Was it Konoha? Unlikely… They are not so discreet; they would take a more direct approach especially if his foolish little brother was involved. Unless, of course, they intended on interrogating him for information on the Akatsuki which was more likely. Before he could examine the situation further, however, he felt himself drifting off into a deep slumber. Mentally scolding himself for his stupidity in getting poisoned, he was relieved that it would only put him to sleep—he had much still to do before he died. It would be easy enough to escape, whoever did this would be overconfident in their abilities that they were able to put him to sleep once. He wouldn't make the same mistake twice. After all, this type of situation was hardly anything new to a criminal like him, no matter who it was that poisoned him or where they would take him.

But he had no idea that he was about to enter a world completely unlike his own.

* * *

A few hours later in a far of (and much more exquisite) place, a young blonde with bright violet eyes and an extremely charming smile sat face to face with the raven haired Uchiha, who was sleeping deeply on a pink sofa. Of course, he had yet to wake up (else the blonde might not have been so happy), so Tamaki simply stared, grinning like a fool with his face only a foot away from Itachi's. "Ne, Mommy, you think he'll do? Do you think he'll say yes?" He looked hopefully over at Kyouya, who had been typing numbers furiously into a calculator.

He nodded, not really paying attention to what Tamaki was saying, then looked at his watch. "You can handle this from here, yes? I'm afraid I have somewhere to be...."

Tamaki lifted his hand and waved towards the door with one large dramatic sweep. "Of course! After all, I recruited every host, have I not?" Smirking and somewhat wishing he could stay to see the show, Kyouya put his calculator in his laptop bag and went towards the door. "Then I'll be off." After watching his friend eave, Tamaki went back to staring happily, waiting for his newest 'friend' to wake up.

The first thing Itachi noticed when he awoke was pink. A lot of pink, in the form of a couch that he had been sleeping surprisingly comfortably on. He had no idea what was going on, why would someone go through all of this and not even take the time to restrain him properly? Very foolish indeed. It would be all too easy to leave this place and Itachi had no intention of staying long. He sat up carefully and took a quick glance around at his surroundings. The room was quite large and extravagantly decorated.

In front of him, staring at him with a large grin on his face, was a young blond man with dazzling eyes. Most likely the on who was responsible for this ridiculous situation of his. Itachi didn't feel any chakra coming from him... Could it be that he was just a civilian; not a ninja at all? Itachi's pride took an extreme plunge for the worst- how could he have been detained by a mere civilian? He glared at the man, his Sharingan twirling rapidly in his confusion and frustration.

"Who are you?" He asked, not wasting any words.

"You're awake!" Tamaki was very good at pointing out the obvious. He watched happily as the man looked around the room, rightfully confused. "I'm Souh Tamaki. My deepest apologies in kidnapping you, but you see... there was no other way." During these three sentences, Tamaki had managed to dance across half the room and was now making a dramatic pose with his hand held out for forgiveness.

Itachi continued staring at him in disbelief. This boy was a complete idiot. But he would wait for a bit before he left this ludicrous place; at least long enough to discover the reason and the means of his kidnapping. He still could not believe that he was defeated by such a... Well, Tamaki.

Itachi remained calm, as always, with an expressionless face and an annoyed glare as he replied to the boys 'apology'. Why apologize to an S-class criminal who could, literally, kill him with merely a glance? "Why did you bring me here?" He asked softly, his voice giving no hint of emotion. "Have you no idea who I am?" How idiotic _was_ this boy...to kidnap none other than Uchiha Itachi and try to have idle conversation with him, with no protection in sight and no ninja skills or defenses...

Tamaki laughed his usual, carefree laugh and stood up, placing his hand just so upon his face and standing with one knee bent, doing his best to look even more attractive than he already knew he was. "Of course I know who you are! That's why I brought you here! Itachi Uchiha, one of the last survivors of his clan, hated by his brother and forced into a criminal life..." He started tearing up as he got down on one knee and continued his proclamation. "It's so tragic! So dark! Yes, that combined with your amazing strength and your stunning good looks, you'll make the perfect host!" He made his way over on his knees attempting to look tragic. "Please, monsieur, we need you. We lost two hosts last year due to graduation... Kyouya nearly had a heart attack when he saw how far sales dropped! And all those poor girls, who no longer have anyone to look up to, anyone to love!" Lacing his voice with as much sincerity as possible, Tamaki continued. "We will repay you, as you can see we have money to spend...." He motioned towards the rest of the room. "Is there anything you want?"

Itachi continued staring at Tamaki in complete and utter incredulity. He didn't know whether to feel disturbed or complemented by Tamaki's monologue. A host club? That's what this was? This boy was trying to convince Itachi Uchiha to join his _Host Club_? Still... he seemed comically sincere, and clearly they were too rich for their own good-- most likely rich enough to hire skilled enough ninjas to take on even Itachi, as much as he hated to admit it, especially considering his eyesight was only worsening in time with no cure in sight.

This might also be an opportunity to give his foolish younger brother more time to train to be able to take him on, and in time to take on the only other remaining Uchiha... He was still in no way strong enough to even stand a chance against Itachi, let alone Madara if it came to that. And, Itachi thought with a small smirk, this would be the absolute last place that Sasuke or any of the Akatsuki would search.. "I will join this.... Host Club...." To hear the words spoken... Itachi wondered silently what the hell he had gotten himself into. Perhaps a sideaffect of whatever he was drugged with. Yes, that was likely.

In a second, Tamaki had jumped into the air, and he was repeating this motion with much enthusiasm. "YIPPIE! I-TA-CHI! MY BEST FRIEND! SAVES THE DAY!"After repeating his cheer a few times, he landed with a flourish and gave a shallow bow. "Uchiha Itachi, welcome to the Host Club."

Itachi blinked. Was this boy drunk (he had seen all too well the awful effects of too much sake…) or was he simply that childish and stupid? Both, most likely.

"Hn." He said, never one of many words. Besides... what could one really say to such a person? A Host Club... Never would he have thought that he would come within a hundred meters of such a place, and here he was, a part of one. 'Uchiha Itachi, welcome to the Host Club' was a sentence that he never in a million years would have thought he would hear.

Ignoring Itachi's reaction, Tamaki pulled out his cellphone and started typing furiously. A few minutes later, a young girl poked her head through the door. Was she supposed to be another host? It seemed that way, considering she was in the same uniform as the blonde. "Senpai, you're lucky I was studying here at school still, or I wouldn't have come. What is it?" Tamaki skipped his way over to the girl and hovered over her, a familiar sparkle in his eye.

"Haruhi dear, I need you to lend Itachi your uniform." The girl turned her attention to the man next to Tamaki with a curious look in her eyes. "In the meantime…" Tamaki walked over to the conveniently place closet and pulled out a rather expensive looking dress. "You can wear this!"

Sighing, Haruhi looked at Tamaki and shook her head. "Senpai, couldn't you just let him use your extra?"

Tamaki looked very, very hurt. "Y-Yes, but I thought..." He railed off as he sunk to the ground.

Haruhi ignored him and turned her attention again towards Itachi. "Hello, I hope he hasn't given you too much trouble. Itachi, was it? I'm Haruhi."

Itachi studied the girl in front of him carefully. "Yes, Uchiha Itachi." He said. He wondered what a girl was doing in a Host Club like this, but one look at the blond boy on the ground was enough to tell him that he already knew the answer to that. Still, why would she agree to go along with him? "What brings you to this club?" He could at least pretend to be conversational. It was doubtful that he could get away with his usual 'hn's with these types of people.

She smiled and motioned onwards her uniform. "I'm a host here. Are you a new student? Can't you afford your own uniform? That' okay, I couldn't either." She took off her blazer and handed it to Itachi. "I can't give you the whole thing, but for now this should do."

Itachi looked at her curiously. "Aren't hosts generally... male?" He asked her as he studied the light lilac color of the blazer and grudgingly put it on. He sincerely hoped that the rest of the Akatsuki would never see him in such a place... wearing _lilac._ The shame.... He would never live it down.

She blinked a few times, then smiled again. "Usually, but as long as the girls are happy, does it matter? Of course, I don't really mind if everyone knows my gender or not, but the others might get upset...." Shrugging, she went over to retrieve Tamaki from his corner. "Senpai, why is this man here?"

Tamaki recovered as soon as Haruhi started talking to him and was now making his way over to Itachi. Standing behind him, Tamaki put his hands on his shoulders. Itachi resisted killing him right there. "Haruhi, meet our newest host!"

Haruhi stared at him for a few minutes. "....Senpai.... what did you do...?" He looked appalled that she would even think such a thing.

"Nothing! With a little bit of motivation, he agreed to join on his own!"

Itachi sighed and closed his eyes in annoyance. "Hn." He said, in somewhat hesitant agreement with Tamaki. He wondered how long he would be able to put up with this club before going completely mad, and he had only met two members. Though Itachi did have quite a bit of practice dealing with idiocy from being in the Akatsuki where the members were hardly agreeable... And at least the members of this club wouldn't try to kill each other in every spare moment.

After a few seconds of standing around awkwardly, Haruhi made her way towards the door. "Well, If I'm not needed," she began.

"Wait!" Tamaki interrupted, ad she looked back.

"Yes?" He tried to think of an excuse, and finally came up with one. "Don't forget to bring sweets! Without Hunny here, we're going to need someone to provide them." He looked rather proud of his quick thinking, until Haruhi cut him down.

"Buy your own." She said coldly and left, annoyed that she might miss the sale on bread the supermarket was having just to listen to Tamaki's idiotic speeches again. After watching the door slam, Tamaki seemed to crumble, clearly upset at what was obviously the ultimate rejection.

Itachi had watched this exchange take place and had soon given up trying to comprehend the conversations of Tamaki and Haruhi. He examined the blazer he was wearing again in disdain and saw that it was most likely part of a school uniform. Would he be required to join the school as well? No, he would not go that far. It's not like anyone is gullible enough to believe that he is in high school anyway. He sighed, trying to remember _why_ he had agreed to this.

Where would he live, anyway? It isn't like he could live on the street; that would only raise suspicion, and camping out would be difficult in a place with people like Tamaki… Itachi glanced over to Tamaki, about to question him about his living arrangements, but Tamaki looked quite busy building hamster homes. The Uchiha moved his glance away in irritation and walked over to the window to what kind of place this was. It didn't look much like any place he had been... It was obviously a school, but nothing like the ones in Konoha or any other hidden village. It looked rather excessive for a simple school... Probably for the exceedingly rich, then. He couldn't deny that the view was quite nice, though that did not solve the problem of his having nowhere to live.

Finally Tamaki got over Haruhi being so cold to him and stood up to face his visitor.

"Now, I know you've probably been worrying. But don't worry! I've taken care of it!" Tamaki said excitedly.

Itachi rose an eyebrow in suspicion- was it possible that the boy had actually figured out what his problem was?

He made his way over to the same closet that held the dress he had bought specially for Haruhi. Opening the door a bit farther, it revealed Itachi's Akatsuki cloak as well. "Your entire outfit is right here!"

"Hn." Itachi said, not gracing Tamaki's stupidity with a response. He thought Itachi was worried about his clothes. Such a trivial thing, really.... Clearly he would have to ask about his living arrangements specifically or the boy would never figure it out. "And where am I to live while I am a part of this Host Club?" He asked Tamaki.

His reaction was immediate. Tamaki slouched over and took on the facial expression of a confused four year old.

_Though even a four year old could have figured this one out… _Itachi thought.

"I.... hadn't thought of that. You might be able to stay with one of the others, or we could get you an apartment...hmm..." He started pacing, thinking hard about hat to do. He smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry, sometimes I rush into things. Which would you desire?"

"An apartment would be preferable." Itachi stated, growing more and more tired of this boy's idiocy. But this was a mere inconvenience-- it wouldn't matter as long as it gave his brother time enough to become stronger.

With a sigh to announce his presence, Kyouya walked into the room. "Of course, knowing Tamaki as well as I do, I anticipated. Itachi, you live in an apartment eight blocks down the road. My family owns the building, so there is no expense." He took a second to push up his glasses then turned to Tamaki, who's eyes were sparkling.

"Kyouya senpai! You're so amazing!" After a bit of chatter between the two, they finally sent Itachi in the direction of his new home.

"Au revoir, Mon Ami! We will see you tomorrow!" Said Tamaki, who was bouncing once again in front of the front gate. Kyouya gave a small wave, then stepped into his own car to be driven home. Tamaki did the same, after yelling "Goodbye!" a few more times after Itachi.

Itachi closed his eyes again trying to ignore the ceaseless yelling of Tamaki as he walked to his new apartment. When he got there, he was pleased to find that it was, as promised, quite nice. That, at least, would be one benefit of this arrangement. It was rare that a member of the Akatsuki would stay in such a high-class apartment. Most of the money they would make would go straight to Pein's 'cause'.

Itachi, like most of his comrades, didn't particularly care about what the Akatsuki meant. To him it only meant a way to achieve his own personal goals. Though Itachi generally didn't particularly care about comfort living, it was a nice vacation to have a decent place to live. It reminded him of his home back in Konoha before the massacre, the large Uchiha estate.

The place was already furnished, and as far as he could see it took up at least the whole floor. The decorating was a bit too extravagant for his taste, but that was no matter. It would be best to go to sleep now, he thought to himself. After all, tomorrow would be his first day as a part of the Host Club, and that may very well be harder than any assassination or tailed beast hunt.


	2. In Which Games Are Lost and Plans Made

**A/N: If anyone has ideas or requests for pairings, don't hesitate to drop a review. There is not yet any definite plot or pairings for it, but I, for one, **_**hate **_**stories that drag on forever with no plot so there WILL be. I do have several ideas already but I'm always open to suggestions.**

**Oh, also, we don't have a beta for this story so if you see any obvious grammar mistakes or badly worded-ness let me know. I apologize in advance for anything you do see.**

Itachi woke to the sunlight pouring into the room through the heavily decorated window. He spent a long time contemplating what had happened the previous day. A strange place this was. Never had he expected to be in such a situation... Host Club... Hardly something that a shinobi would be taught at the academy. Of course, during his time in Konoha before the Uchiha massacre he had his share of fangirls. This couldn't be any worse than that... He would have to bear with it for the time being.

He sat up on the large king size bed and examined the meticulous pattern embroidered on it. The same design on his Akatsuki cloak. Some people were too rich for their own good.

After getting dressed in the ridiculous blazer that had been given to him by the Haruhi girl the previous day, Itachi made his way to Ouran to meet his fellow... hosts.

The five hosts sat around after school (The only truly important part of the day), all dressed in particularly dark clothes. It had been Tamaki's idea, in order to make the new member feel "at home". No guests had arrived yet, so they were all lazing about the music room doing what they pleased. The twins shared a windowsill as they looked out on the abnormally large school yard, planning all sorts of fun pranks to pull on the 'Rookie'. Kyouya sat researching successful male models and their styles. Haruhi seemed to be in deep thought, but in reality she was deciding on a dish o serve for dinner that night. The Self-appointed king was the only person who wasn't really sitting. He was pacing, looking back and forth from the clock on the wall to the door.

As soon as he saw it start to open, he jumped to his usual 'throne' where he was surrounded by the other hosts.

"Welcome!"

Itachi entered to see Tamaki in the center of a cluster of what were most likely the other hosts in a graceful and dramatic way. On his left was the man whom Itachi recognized as Kyouya and the Haruhi girl. On his right were two young boys whom Itachi didn't recognize, identical twins. Itachi said nothing as he walked through the large door to the room identified 'Music Room 3'. Music room indeed... he thought. He doubted that this room had ever been used for any sort of art, let alone music. Itachi ignored the loud chorus of "Welcome!" assuming that it was there mainly to please the fangirls. When the group saw that it was him, he was immediately assaulted by the twins.

"So, you're the new host, eh?" said one of them.

Itachi merely nodded and replied with his usual "Hn."

They both studied him for a few seconds before the other one looked back to Tamaki and shouted "He'll do!"

Tamaki skipped over to the twins, looking altogether much too prideful. "Of course! You should know by now how good my judgment is." He took Itachi by the wrists and started tearing up once more. "My dear Itachi, I can not express in words how thankful we are to you!" The twins rolled their eyes in unison.

"Now, let's get you out of your uniform and into proper host clothes! We picked today's theme especially for you, you know!" Tamaki said as he handed Itachi his outfit and pushed him towards the dressing room.

Itachi took the clothes he was given and allowed himself to be shoved into the dressing room, knowing that arguing would do no good. He had seen enough of Tamaki to know that he was entirely used to getting his way no matter what and if he didn't... Well, it wouldn't benefit anyone. He was glad to see that this outfit was not such an obscure color as the uniform he was currently wearing.

After changing into the outfit arranged for him, Itachi went back into the main room to see that the group had dispersed around the room. Tamaki was talking to Haruhi about coffee, Kyouya was on a computer, no doubt planning more of the club's activities, and the twins were off in their own world, sitting on a windowsill and staring out the window. As Itachi walked over to the couch to sit down-- rather than standing awkwardly inviting stares and annoyingly trivial conversations with the club's "king" -- Kyouya looked up for a millisecond before adjusting his glasses and going back to whatever he was doing on the computer. He, at least, seems sensible. Itachi thought, relieved that they weren't all like Tamaki.

Tamaki was too busy with a long, dramatic monologue about the pros and cons of 'commoner coffee' and Haruhi was staring into space. The twins, however, jumped up to meet him.

"Ne, 'Rookie'!" Hikaru said, his arm draped over his brother's shoulder. "Feel like playing a game?" Sending a wink towards his brother, he continued. "It shouldn't be too hard... we hear you have some sort of special skill." "So why don't you try," Kaoru finished "Guessing who I who? I'm Kaoru, he's Hikaru. We're going to put on hats and mix it up a bit." Itachi simply stared at them, wondering how they could find this enjoyable in any way. Still, it was something to do, so he nodded in agreement. Both donned hats and started switching places. It was rather fast, but for Itachi it was nothing. He didn't even need his Sharingan to keep track of which was which.

"Now," the one he knew to be Hikaru said "If you guess wrong, we get to call you Ita-chan, deal?" Itachi nodded, grateful that he knew exactly who was who. He had never before been more relieved that he had such ninja skills as he was at the threat of such a shameful nickname.

"And if I am correct?" They looked at each other, grinning. "We'll call you Uchiha-danna, then."

Wincing mentally at the nickname formally given to Sasori, Itachi quickly corrected them. "Uchiha-_sama_" He hardly wanted to be associated with Sasori, even if it was just a name.

"Fine, fine. Now guess!"

Without any hesitation, Itachi pointed at each twin in turn. "Hikaru, Kaoru."

"Wrong!" They chorused. "Ita-chaaaaan!"

Itachi raised an eyebrow. "What is the point of this game..." he began quietly, "if you plan on accusing the one playing it to be wrong, no matter what the outcome is?" These twins were starting to annoy him. He glared at them.

" He's right." Haruhi said, walking up behind Itachi. "You got it right, they just don't want to admit it. See?" Haruhi removed their hats and pointed at their parts, the only thing that distinguished them. "Hikaru, Kaoru."

"You always ruin our fun...." One of the twins whined.

"It's what you get for cheating." Haruhi said coldly. She looked at Itachi and smiled. "Don't worry, you get used to them after a while."

"Hn." Itachi replied.

"Fine," mumbled the other twin. "Uchiha-_sama." _They both made a silent vow that they _would _find a way to trick Itachi.

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the land of ninjas and slightly less pretty men (with the exception of some) the Akatsuki were planning. It was not like Itachi to be missing for so long without saying where he was going, and though not one would admit it, it was making them nervous. After all, he was one of the strongest of the organization, and if he could be captured.... Well, they didn't want to be next. "I believe you all know why you have been summoned." Pein's dark silhouette broke the silence after all members had assembled. "I have discovered Itachi's whereabouts, along with the name of the group that has captured him." He allowed the word 'capture' sink in. "Ouran High school Host Club.'"

Everyone looked shocked. Itachi was one of their best... That he was captured had never before even crossed their minds, they would have scoffed at the thought. For a while, it was silent until Hidan spoke up. "Ouran High school Host Club? What kind of stupid name is that?" Pein, expressionless as always, merely looked at Hidan with an annoyed glint in his eye.

"Be that as it may, it is the name of the organization that has taken down Uchiha Itachi therefore we must not underestimate them." There were mumbles of agreement throughout the room. "I am sending one of you to investigate this 'Host Club' and report back with information about them." Pein looked around at the group. None of them particularly wanted to go, but the loss of Itachi would be a blow to the whole group. Pein didn't want to have to replace yet another member of the Akatsuki if he could help it but he had to know what they were up against.

"It appears their base is in disguise as a school." Pein continued, scanning their faces "They knew exactly who Itachi was, so chances are they will know all of you as well. "His eyes rested on Deidara. "Which is why you will be going on this mission alone."

"Even if I did just join, I was well known before, so they probably will rec-" Deidara instantly started arguing, but he was cut off by Pein. "No. Your experience with the Akatsuki has nothing to do with this. What I need you to do is to infiltrate Ouran..... As a girl."

Deidara stared at Pein in disbelief and horror. "What the hell!? Damn it, you expect _me_ to disguise myself as a girl to infiltrate some freakin school?! Any of us can change our appearance, why the hell did you choose me?!"

Pein merely looked at him, his expression the same as always as he answered. "We don't know the extent of our enemy's power-- if they tricked Itachi it's likely that they have means to see through a disguise jutsu. My decision is final. You will leave for Ouran High school tomorrow." He left no room for arguments with that statement as he disappeared in a puff of smoke and dismissed the rest of the group.

Deidara stood in the same spot glaring at where Pein was standing, mumbling. "Just give Tobi a wig and send him, un..." He would never live this down. So much for his being a respected member of the Akatsuki. Well... more respected than Tobi. Still. Even Tobi would have more respect than he would after this mission is done. Deidara sighed as he walked out of the room to prepare for his mission.


	3. In Which Dei and Ita both suffer greatly

**A/N: Sorry, I had wanted to post the new chapter sooner but SOMEONE… *looks at cowriter* decided that she didn't feel like writing… So I'll most likely be taking over this story for the both of us, which sadly means it's going to take longer for me to update unless I can convince her to help me again—it's easier to write when someone is helping, more muse. For some reason, my muse for this story is Blackbeard the musical… go look it up…. it's amazing… but yeah. Don't ask. **

**Oh. And I honestly don't know what you people prefer, long chapters or faster updates. If I update fast, it will most likely be only 2-4 thousand word chapters but if I wait it would be more like 6-8. It's the same in the end, I just don't know what people like. So let me know, longer chapters or faster updates.**

**Disclaimer: Haha. If I owned Naruto, Sasuke would be dead and Itachi would be Hokage. And Naruhina would be Canon. **

**Now. Onto chapter three. **

* * *

"Ita-chaaaaaaaaaaan! What's your favourite type of coffee?" It was Itachi's first day as a host. The fangirls had taken an immediate liking to him, of course (he had that whole 'tall dark and extremely handsome thing going for him), though Itachi wondered how long he would be able to put up with them. And to think the other hosts actually enjoyed this torture. He responded to the every meaningless and vain question with a 'hn,' having given up any hope of having an intelligent conversation with these fangirls. This, however, only seemed to make the fangirls adore him even more. Ignoring the squealing of his current costumer, Itachi closed his eyes and tried to forget where he was. An impossible task, for this fangirl was determined to annoy him as much as physically possible. "Ita-chan, you're so cold!" she said when she noticed that he was ignoring her, putting on her best pout face that made her look somewhat like a lost puppy seeking attention. Itachi opened his eyes, knowing it would be futile to argue with her. He'd learned that it's much easier to just give the fangirls what they want. He looked at her emotionlessly and waited for her to start talking again. She didn't wait long and Itachi went back to ignoring what she said and throwing in the occasional 'hn.'

Itachi sighed in relief when she finally left, blowing kisses at him and assuring him that she would be back the next day. _Finally, _he thought. He waited for the next fangirl to take her place when he noticed Tamaki across the room waving him to come. Itachi obeyed, only because it was even more futile to argue with Tamaki than with the fangirls.

"Itachi… Itachi, Itachi, Itachi…" Tamaki shook his head disappointedly. Itachi's face remained emotionless as ever as he waited for Tamaki to get to the point. "I wanted to talk to you about your skills as a host… Don't misunderstand, the costumers love you, it's just…." Tamaki paused and seemed to be concentrating very hard on something. "You need to communicate with them! You can't just be cold all the time, they'll get bored with you and we can't have that, can we? I'm sure you understand." He put a hand on Itachi's shoulder. "Just don't be so shy around them, all right?" Itachi groaned internally. Now he would have to actually try to _speak _with the fangirls… And just when he thought things couldn't get any worse.

"I will take these suggestions into consideration." He responded. He was by no means going to agree to talk to them about the pros and cons of 'commoner coffee' or discuss which kind of teacup he prefers, but he had to say something to keep Tamaki from going on a long rant about what it means to be a Host. _The Jinchuuri have it easy… I would much rather be a host to a tailed beast than one at this ridiculous school, _Itachi thought.

Tamaki nodded seriously at Itachi before they both went to their respective couches to wait for their next costumer. It wasn't long before another random fangirl sat next to Itachi, beaming.

"Hello, Itachi-kun, how are you today?" _At least this one can speak in coherent sentences… _

Noticing that Tamaki was 'subtly' studying Itachi from across the room, Itachi decided to grace this fangirl's question with a response.

"I am well." The fangirl squealed loudly at this, after all, she was the first one that was able to get him to talk. The mysterious Uchiha Itachi had been a subject of conversation at the school all day, and this simple sentence was a big achievement. She was doing well… she decided she would try to ask him the question that had been plaguing the whole female population ever since they saw him.

"May I ask you something?" She said, barely containing her excitement. Itachi looked at her coldly, a reply that undoubtedly said 'only if you want to die' that she interpreted as 'oh, yes, my love, anything for you!'

She grabbed Itachi's hand excitedly and pointed to his nails. "Where do you get your nails done!?" He gave her the most famous and feared Uchiha Death Glare that the fangirl interpreted as a look of passionate love and fierce desire. Itachi let the question hang in the air for a while, hoping that the fangirl might get distracted by a shiny object somewhere. "Well?!" she said in a high pitched squeaky voice. He would under no circumstances grace that with a response. No. Instead he turned on his Mangekyou Sharingan and rendered her unconscious.

In an instant, Tamaki was there, catching her before her head hit the edge of the couch. Itachi looked forward and closed his eyes ignoring the panicked cries of Tamaki as he rushed the girl to another couch and laid her down. He soon felt another person sit down next to him, but he made no move to open his eyes. If it was another fangirl, they would start rambling on whether he was paying attention or not. When no sound was made he looked next to him to find Haruhi contently taking a sip of tea. After she realized Itachi was looking at her, she looked up to smile warmly at him.

"How are you doing? I noticed Tamaki giving you lessons earlier." She chuckled. "Don't worry, he did that with me too when I first joined. He'll leave you alone soon enough."

"Hn," was Itachi's usual response.

"You know, they probably wouldn't bug you this much if you tried actually holding a conversation with them…" Haruhi looked up to find Itachi glaring at her. She laughed again nervously. "Heh… sorry, Tamaki insisted that I try talking to you. You'll get used to them soon. They're really not all bad…"

"May I inquire as to why they all seem to be so obsessed with what kind of coffee I drink?" At this, the whole room went silent. It was the most anyone heard Itachi speak since he'd been there. In an instant, he was attacked by more fangirls. He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes, ignoring the cries of 'Ita-kun!' and 'I can't believe you won't talk _me….' _

When it was clear that he was not going to speak any more than that, the fangirls glumly went back to their other conversations and Itachi leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes again. Again, he felt someone sit down next to him. He waited for the 'Ita-chaaaaaaan!' to come… but it didn't… Haruhi again? No, he recently saw her go to talk to more of the fangirls and she would never get away from them that easily.

He opened his eyes and looked next to him. He didn't believe what he saw. No… this had to be some sort of illusion, perhaps the Mangekyou backfired or perhaps one of the fangirls drugged his coffee… that was likely… because there was no _way _that the person next to him could be….

"Stop staring at me, Uchiha, this is weird enough already, un." Itachi couldn't find any words. His face remained unchanged, though inside he was wondering what the _hell _Deidara was doing here, how they found him, and, most of all, why Deidara was disguised as a female. But it was definitely him, Itachi saw the ring on his finger… along with a pair of lacy white gloves that were there most likely to cover the extra mouths that Deidara has there.

"_What_, pray tell, are you doing here, Deidara?" Itachi had never particularly liked the blond explosives expert. He'd kept his distance over the years, but this… this was…

"I could ask you the same thing! Leader thinks you've been being held hostage or kept for interrogation, but your sitting here as part of a _Host _Club?" Deidara laughed, Itachi as a host was truly a ridiculous concept.

"I don't believe you are in any position to mock _me_." Itachi responded coldly, gesturing to the yellow dress that Deidara was wearing. Deidara's expression quickly changed to a glare.

"It's not like I wanted this… un. Now explain what the _hell _you're doing here so I can get out of this freakin dress." Deidara commanded.

"The goal of the Akatsuki is first to gather a large sum of money, correct?" Itachi had already thought of what he would say should the Akatsuki come looking for him. And he was by no means going to let them know that his tea got drugged and he'd been dragged unconsciously to this room and dumped on a pink couch.

"This club is willing to pay me whatever I want, much more than we would get from any other small jobs Leader has found for us. I had planned to inform him of my position tonight and request permission to stay here. I would have contacted him sooner, but as you know it takes up quite a lot of chakra to talk to him from such a distance and I encountered some enemy ninja, that I was forced to use my Mangekyou on therefore depleting my chakra greatly." Itachi answered smoothly.

"You still haven't mentioned how you found your way into a _Host _club. Do they have any idea who you are?" Deidara asked impatiently.

"It was they who invited me to join." At this Deidara let out another roar of laughter which Itachi ignored. "I met him," Itachi gestured to Tamaki who was in deep conversation with one of his costumers; "in a tea shop and he gave me his proposition. I came to see if he was truthful when he said they could pay me well." Deidara looked at him suspiciously, but before he could question him any more, the next fangirl unceremoniously sat between them, batting her eyelashes at Itachi.

"Time to switch!" She said, excited to get a turn at Itachi, especially since he seemed so talkative now. Deidara glared at her and instinctively reached for his clay bag to make a work of art to blow her up with when he remembered that it wasn't there.

**(Deidara's transformation)**

"_What the hell do you mean I can't bring my clay!?" He'd asked indignantly when he was told that he'd have to leave his explosives behind. _

"_What, can't you fucking do anything on your own?" Inquired Hidan, who was there only to see the oh, so artistic and _great_ Deidara in a dress with his hair down and laugh his ass off at his expense. That had earned a glare from Deidara, of course. _

"_You know it would look suspicious if you went around chewing clay," Kisame said, reasonably. " Plus it would clash with your dress." He chuckled and Deidara turned to glare at him._

"_Tobi thinks you look very pretty, senpai!" At this point Deidara completely lost it. _

"_Give me my clay so I can freakin blow his face off, un!" Tobi quickly ran away and hid behind Kisame. _

"_Ahh, no, senpai! Tobi's a good—" _

"_Shut UP, Tobi!" _

_Konan, who had remained silent until then, finally stepped into the argument. "We're almost done, then you can start your mission." Deidara grunted in response. She sighed. "You know you're going to need to at least _try _to act like a girl if you want this mission to be a success. Otherwise this is all done in vain." _

_Deidara glared at his yellow frilly dress in disdain. _Why me, why me… _He sighed and continued to look pissed off as the rest of the group sat there deciding on his name, since the group that had kidnapped Itachi would know who he was if he introduced himself as Deidara. _

"_Oh! Oh! Tobi knows!" Deidara glanced at Tobi giving him his best Dei-death glare. "Midoru! 'Beautiful doll!' 'Cause senpai looks so pretty!" _

_There was a moment of silence. Then a few minutes of uncontrollable laughter. Then an explosion. It appeared that 'Midoru' had found his-_her- _explosives. He/she was leaning against the wall with a triumphant smirk._

"…_.You still can't bring the explosives."_

**A/N: Okay. I'll make something clear. I am NOT going to be one of those authors who beg for reviews each chapter, or make an arranged amount of reviews before moving on with the story. It's stupid and, sorry to quote Sasuke, **_**annoying. **_**I mean, of course I absolutely adore reviews, they make my day, and I'm eternally grateful to anyone who takes the time out of their day to review, I just really hate it when authors demand reviews so I'm not going to be one of them. If you want to review, you are a wonderful person, but I know that I for one don't review EVERYTHING that I read, so it's stupid to expect you to either.**

**[/rant]**

**One last note: ****hakuas-moonstar****,**** thank you so much for offering to beta, I really appreciate it, but I myself am really picky about grammar and spelling, plus I already have my friend helping me write it so I don't want you to waste your time, so thank you for offering, but I'm afraid I have to decline.**


	4. In Which Deidara is Scarred for Life

**Disclaimer: Don't own anything, and if you didn't get that from the fact that this is _fan_fiction, then... you fail worse than pre-shippuden Sakura**

Deidara, after being shoved gracelessly away by Itachi's fangirl, stood by the window, leaning against a wall, waiting for Itachi to be done with this stupid act of his. They would still need to contact Pein. The explosives expert groaned at the thought—that would _not _be a fun conversation. At least it meant getting out of this ridiculous disguise though, even though the only real change that was made was that he let his hair down because _apparently _he was already feminine looking enough without a henge. Deidara glared at Itachi for ever tricking him into joining the stupid organization. What kind of criminal group dresses one of it's members up like a girl to infiltrate a Host Club?

Deidara's thoughts were interrupted, however, when a hand gently stroked his cheek. He jumped back quickly to see another host with red hair and the customary lilac jacket on smiling charmingly at him.

"Hey, don't think I've seen you here before." The host smiled charmingly at him. "I'm Hikaru." When Deidara didn't give a response due to his disbelief and annoyance at another guy flirting with him, the host came closer and stroked his hair. Deidara blinked a few times. This twin was... flirting with him? _Damn you, Itachi!! _

"...Midoru." Deidara finally answered, wincing inwardly at that awful name and hoping that talking might stop Hikaru from touching him and desperately wishing that he could have brought along his clay.

He didn't have have to adjust his voice, at least. With a jutsu that he'd learned before the mission, it sounded just like a normal, if not a bit low, female's voice. But he loathed the way it sounded, so foreign coming out of his mouth, not to mention he _detested _being mistaken for a girl. And, unfortunately for him, that was his goal for this mission.

"You a transfer student?" The red haired host asked curiously. Deidara nodded; maybe if he kept silent this host would leave him alone... Or not.

"Midoru... beautiful doll... fitting name." Another charming smile. _Tch. He's worse than Tobi... And he's... serious..._

"How about I give you a tour around the school? Wouldn't want such a beautiful guest to get lost here... The rose gardens are quite nice around this time." Deidara gritted his teeth as he resisted punching him.

"I can find my way perfectly fine, un!" He yelled before, like any other brave Akatsuki member would have done, running away as fast as he possibly could from the flirtatious boy. He couldn't get through the door, however, for he was intercepted by... Hikaru? No, there was no way he could have been so fast. Deidara looked back to see the same red-headed boy he was talking to looking around wildly to see where his 'beautiful doll' went off to. A clone? No, he would not be that skilled. A twin, then, Deidara deduced. _Damn it, one was bad enough..._

_I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! Deidara thought in a panic. He didn't know if he could handle another Hikaru._

With his arms blocking the doorway, this twin looked back to Hikaru.

"Hikaru, you're scaring off this beautiful guest!" He shook his head in mock-dissapointment. "I'm Kaoru. Don't worry, whatever he did, I'm sure he didn't mean it." He smiled charmingly.

Hikaru walked towards them confusedly. "I only offered her a tour around Ouran..."

The other one, Kaoru looked curiously at the poor blond. "Huh. Well, I'll tag along too if you're afraid of being alone with Hikaru."

"I'm fine. Really. I should be going." Deidara said through his teeth.

"We insist!" They said together as they each took one of Deidara's arms and dragged him out of the room earning a Dei-death-glare, which they of course did not notice. _I'm going to kill that Uchiha bastard, un! It's his fault!_

After they got out of the building they showed Deidara around the rose gardens and the main plaza chattering on aimlessly. After about an hour of subjecting Deidara to the torture of their endless rambling, they finally let go of his arms and looked at him with enthusiasm and delight.

"So, what do you think? Beautiful isn't it?" One of them said; Deidara had no idea who was who nor did he particularly care.

"Tch. Hardly _my_ idea of art." The twins looked at each other, shocked. Every other girl that they brought here would be in awe of it's beauty and classiness. Seeing their confused faces, Deidara rolled his eyes. "They're just buildings and flowers. Art is supposed to be fleeting, not ever-lasting, un!"

"But that's what art is, isn't it? Paintings and architecture and such?" One of them asked, temporarily forgetting to put on their charms and looking genuinely curious.

Deidara scoffed. "Art is a bang! Something that lasts for just a moment, fleeting, quick!" With that, Deidara dug around in his school messenger back for the spare grenade he kept with him and threw it up in the air. It exploded at the peak of his throw and the twins gaped at him. The artist merely looked at them with a wild grin on his face. "See? _That's _art! _That's _beauty!"

"...Woah! A grenade!" They clapped and Deidara glared at them. Clearly they weren't paying _any_ attention to his art-rant. Not a good idea. _Ugh, but I was only able to bring that one, so I can't even show these idiots what _true _art is... _Deidara pictured what a wonderful work of art it would be to blow them up... When this mission was finished, he would be sure to pay them another visit and then he would show them the real meaning of art.

Seeing the murderous look on his face, the twins quickly reverted back to their host-selves. They crowded around poor Deidara both giving him a look of utter adoration. "A beautiful explosion-"

"-but not as beautiful as you, Mi-do-ru." They said flirtatiously, pronouncing each syllable of his accursed name and earning another glare from Deidara as he imagined other scenarios that ended in the death of these twins, getting progressively more violent with each one.

When the twins got no blush or reaction from Deidara than a glare they gave each other confused looks. It wasn't often that a girl wasn't susceptible to their host-ways. Deidara took advantage of their temporary confusion and before they knew it, the blond was gone.

Itachi, meanwhile, was facing his own trials while Deidara was dealing with the hosts. Though he'd managed to learn to tune out most of the fangirl's chatter, it was harder to ignore the glares and expressions of the so-called 'king' of the Host Club. Therefore Itachi had settled for simply keeping his eyes on the guest. His gaze would silence any fangirl, usually. After all, with Uchiha Itachi staring at them, what could be said? He was currently dealing with a more difficult fangirl, though, who didn't stop talking no matter what he did. She was content to simply talk and talk and talk... He was amazed that he hadn't yet lost his mind.

Finally, she left. Itachi sighed in relief. He didn't know how long he would be able to manage before he murdered her.

"Tamaki's glaring at you, you know." He heard a voice next to him. Haruhi.

"Hn." He answered. Haruhi smiled slightly.

"That's why. You don't talk to the guests."

"They are quite content at listening to themselves talk. If your 'king' has such issues, why does he not approach me himself, rather than sending you to do so?" _Not that I am complaining... _

"Well, frankly, you kind of scare him." Itachi hid a smirk. At least he knew his place.

"It isn't his concern how I treat my guests. I am bringing in costumers, am I not? My methods work perfectly fine." Haruhi wanted to roll her eyes at Itachi's sheer emotionless-ness. It was amazing how she hadn't seen anything in his eyes since they met.

"I suppose your right. Tamaki's just... difficult sometimes. He'll get over it." Haruhi looked at him curiously. "But what about you? If you hate it so much here, why do you stay?"

She wouldn't believe the truth, of course. Even if she did know who he was, it would take hours to explain his situation to her. "It is my mission." He said simply.

"Your... mission?"

"At the moment, my organization is aiming to seek a large fortune and this is a job that pays well for little effort." Itachi hoped that this might stop her questions.... though he doubted it.

Haruhi, on the other hand, was trying to figure out the hidden meaning in his cryptic response. All she knew from Tamaki was that Itachi was 'part of a criminal organization that wants to take over the world'.... but she never took it seriously until now. She was smart enough not to ask any more, though. It was obvious that he wouldn't say any more on the matter.

Itachi could see the confusion on her face, but as she predicted, he planned to say no more to make her understand.

"How long are you staying, then?" The sharingan user raised an eyebrow, surprised that she was letting the subject go so easily, not that he objected.

"Until my leader calls me back. I myself don't know how long that will be." Why was he telling her this? It's not like it mattered to her... She was probably only trying to make 'small talk'. Ah, well. He would indulge her this time.

"Why will he call you back?" She asked, looking genuinely curious, though her questions were getting rather annoying.

Itachi looked at her more coldly than he intended and replied, "I'm sure you are aware of my current occupation; there are more important things to attend to than being a part of this Host Club." The look in his eyes made it clear that this, too, would not be elaborated on. Haruhi sighed. _How can he take everything so seriously all the time... He's like the opposite of Tamaki. _

"So you really are a criminal, then?"

"Hn," he replied, meaning 'yes'. Haruhi was looking at him strangely, as if studying his face for a lie.

"I can't believe that..." Itachi returned the look. This was a strange girl, though he supposed it was understandable since she didn't know the full extent of what he'd done in his life.

"Why is that?" He questioned.

"You don't seem like a bad person." She said simply.

"You do not know what kind of a person I am." Itachi was getting even more annoyed by this girl. No one had ever questioned him like this, people just saw the cloak or the eyes and tried to distance themselves.

"I'm usually pretty good at reading people." She smiled at him and closed her eyes. "If you were such a bad person, you wouldn't look so sad all the time."

"Hn," he said. But this was also understandable... Many of his Akatsuki colleagues enjoyed killing and hurting others but he was always different from them in that respect. Since he was a child, he'd hated war and was, in general, anti-confrontational if he could help it. Through the years he'd had to kill and play the part of a violent and dangerous criminal, and was very good at it, even if he didn't enjoy it. It was necessary. But now this girl could see through everything. This wouldn't be good if she talked to Deidara or anyone else he knew. He would have to convince her that she was wrong.

Although part of him didn't want to. Since he was a teenager, he'd been known as "Uchiha Itachi, the one who killed his family for power," "Uchiha Itachi, of Akatsuki," and "Uchiha Itachi, the one whom I have sworn to kill!" To have someone see only Itachi was... nice, as much as he hated to admit it. He'd known what would happen with his life the moment he'd accepted that mission that would change his world forever. He'd thought only of Konoha and of Sasuke, he'd killed to protect that which he loved. He'd never thought of himself, only of his village and his brother.

No.. here, for her, he would be just Itachi. He wouldn't explain to her all the reasons she should hate him, all the reasons she should fear him. He would let her go on believing that he was a 'good person'.

"Uchiha-san?" She asked. He looked at her, realizing he must have been gone in his own thoughts. She smiled again, glad that he was still aware of their conversation.

"Just call me Itachi." He said distantly. She smiled and nodded.

"Itachi, then." There was a silence after that, both of them having forgotten what they were talking about or simply wanting to change the subject without knowing how.

"Oh, there's your friend again. Midoru, wasn't it?" Haruhi stated. Itachi looked where she was pointing, and sure enough found Deidara at the door, looking more annoyed than usual and checking behind him constantly. _He must have escaped the twins. _Itachi looked back toward Haruhi again.

"Friend? I met her only today." It wouldn't be good if Deidara's cover was blown so quickly.

Haruhi shrugged. "Well, she's one of few that you've deemed to be on speaking terms with."

"I am a host."

She rolled her eyes. "Itachi, you _never _talk to guests."

"Hn," _because they are not worth talking to and are quite content with just a glance._ He finished inwardly.

"So what makes her so different?" Haruhi said amiably. Her tone was cheerful as always, but the question itself had it's own underlying meaning.

_She's too observant... _Itachi thought. He would have to learn to talk to the other guests too, if he didn't want it to look suspicious.

"There is nothing special about her, I am just making an effort to be more conversational to keep from having another lesson by your esteemed 'king'."

Haruhi understood that, even if she didn't completely believe it. She wasn't an idiot, she was probably the most intelligent girl (or boy) in this academy.

"Why start with her, though?"

"I have had at least a dozen guests who only requested me because they wanted to know where I got my _nails _done. She is one of the less vain guests I have seen, therefore I am able to speak to her without losing my sanity." Haruhi laughed, and glanced at Midoru again.

"I suppose, though they're really not all bad... They just have different priorities than people like us do." Itachi chose not to correct her when she said 'people like us'. They were nothing alike, and she couldn't change that.

"So you're excited to leave, then?" Itachi gave her a questioning look, though most people wouldn't be able to tell. For once he was grateful for Haruhi's observance skills; it allowed him to waste no words. "To leave the host club, and go back to wherever you're from." She clarified.

Itachi had to think about the question before he answered it. He couldn't decide if he could truly say 'yes' and mean it. True, the fangirls were annoying and the other hosts intolerable, but he didn't particularly mind Haruhi's company (as much as he thought he would, anyway), nor did he miss having to kill innocents on pointless missions to gain money or get revenge. But he was getting restless doing nothing but listening to girls' chatter and his skills were already growing rusty from lack of use.

"It can be troublesome, but I don't hate it here." He gave his cryptic response. Haruhi looked at him. _Weird, he acts like he hates it here... maybe he's just not used to showing emotions. I haven't seen him smile since he got here. _

Their conversation was interrupted by Tamaki's motioning towards Haruhi with an urgent look on his face. Haruhi sighed. "We're probably out of coffee again. The others are afraid of the supermarket, you see, so I have to get more every time we run out."

"I see." Itachi responded emotionlessly. Haruhi chuckled at his seriousness.

"Well, see you later. I think Midoru's the only one left, and it looks like she's waiting for you." Haruhi gestured towards the door where, sure enough, Deidara stood impatiently. Itachi nodded and walked towards him.

"Finally, un! If you're done chatting, we need to go contact Leader." They both started walking down the corridor.

"You could have contacted him yourself." Itachi glanced toward Deidara with his usual expressionless facade.

"Like this? No way. Besides, he wouldn't have believed I found you so easily if you weren't _there, _un." Itachi guessed that this was because of Deidara's lack of interest in 'rescuing' him, not to mention dissatisfaction with his disguise. "Where are you staying?"

"An apartment not far from here. There is a guest room that you may occupy until you find a place of your own. It will be suspicious if we are found... living together." Itachi hoped he'd made his meaning clear. He did _not _want people to think that he and Deidara were a... couple...

Deidara shuddered and glared at Itachi, clearly having understood his message. "No way in hell will I let people believe we're a couple, un!" he yelled, receiving several strange looks from people around him. Itachi sighed. This was going to be more troublesome than he thought. It's not like he could claim Deidara as a family member; the one with glasses, Kyouya, seemed to have done a thorough background check on him. And 'childhood friends' was so cliche that even Tamaki wouldn't believe it. Well, Tamaki would be the _only _one, but Haruhi and Kyouya were far too intelligent to believe such an excuse. He would think of something later, if Deidara planned on a long stay.

The two stopped in front of the large apartment building he was staying in. "Hikaru and Kaoru seem fond of you, ask to stay with them or for an apartment of your own." Deidara grumbled about that, not wanting to spend _any_ more time with them than necessary. If Itachi were not... well, Itachi he would have found this situation extremely amusing. As it is, however, it served merely as a nuisance. Deidara was hardly his favorite Akatsuki member, nor was Itachi Deidara's. Since the day Itachi made him join, Deidara's hated him and spent his time trying to surpass him with his art. Itachi, on the other hand, disliked Deidara mostly because of his liking for killing innocents and causing war and havoc among villages, which is something Itachi had hated since he was four and he saw the effects of war in general.

Itachi showed Deidara to the guest room, one of three, actually. _How many guests does he _have... Deidara thought. "You were right when you said these guys are rich, un." Deidara remarked in both wonder and annoyance. _Isn't the great Uchiha Itachi _always _right..._

"We should contact Leader." Itachi said. They both went into the main living area of the apartment and sat in opposite armchairs, making the hand gestures to project themselves into the usual meeting place. They must have been expecting them, for the rest of the Akatsuki was there already as well. There was quite a bit of laughter and snide comments about both of their wardrobes, and 'what a good couple they make! Their clothes match!' by Tobi (earning a glare of death from Deidara, of course, and annoyed look by Itachi. He didn't think it possible to hate Madara more but, clearly, it was.).

"They must be desperate for members to choose Itachi!" Kisame said jokingly.

"What, you jealous they didn't choose you, you fucking fish face?" Hidan, also laughing of course, asked. Kisame lowered his head.

"It's because I'm blue, I know...." He said sadly.

Pein spoke up, after the comments and laughter began to die down.

"Finally, Itachi. We were beginning to worry." His tone made it clear they were more impatiently waiting rather than worrying, but Itachi nodded at him.

"I apologize, but before I contacted you I wanted to make sure that this arrangement would work out the way I planned."

Pein raised an eyebrow. "Arrangement?"

Itachi nodded again. "I'm sure you are aware of the place I am staying, this 'Host Club' is offering a great deal of payment for my taking part in it. I am requesting permission to stay here as a part of this Club, all payment going directly to Akatsuki." Itachi proceeded to fill the Leader in on the details of this arrangement, how much he would be paid, what is expected, ect.

Pein considered this. Though it wasn't like Itachi to go seeking his own missions, he had to admit they were offering good sum of money and it was very tempting to accept. He was, however, a bit suspicious that Itachi would leave without a word and show up as a part of a club such as this, not to mention waiting a week to make any contact with Akatsuki. For someone as much of a perfectionist as Itachi, it didn't seem likely.

"How _did_ you stumble across this club, Itachi?" Pein questioned.

Itachi decided to go with as much truth as he could. "It was their own leader who seeked me out while Kisame was away from me." There was laughter among the rest of the Akatsuki, and even Pein found it somewhat amusing. After the laughter subsided, Itachi continued. "I went with him to see if their offer was valid." Pein studied the Sharingan user, as if trying to detect any lie from him. Itachi was quite good at lying, though, having had much experience in it. To Pein, it still seemed odd that they would seek out an _Akatsuki _member for their _Host Club..._

"Do they know who you _are?" _He asked.

"Yes. They did a thorough background check on me, they know to whom my loyalties lie." Pein gave him a strange look. "Their leader, or 'king' as they call him, is quite... trusting. And they know that I will not have to kill them unless they give me reason to." That was understandable, Pein thought. Itachi was probably the least short-tempered out of the whole group, it was unlikely that he would hurt them unless he had to.

"Then your mission is now to continue as a part of this Ouran Host Club, until further notice." Itachi nodded. "Though you are well aware that Akatsuki works in teams. Since Kisame can't join you for... obvious reasons, Deidara, you will be staying there as well, in case any danger should appear. You will accompany Itachi as you have been disguised as one of this Host Clubs 'guests'."

Pein looked at Deidara strictly as he said this, and left no room at all for arguments.

Deidara, with a betrayed and simply muderous look on his face, answered. "Fine, but only if I can practice my art and have my clay back." If he was going to have to do this mission, he would need _some _sort of... artistic outlet... Seeing the unchanging expression on Pein's face he mumbled "I won't blow up the school, I'll find some deserted village or forest or something."

"That's agreeable. Kisame, you of course will now be partnered with Tobi." Kisame nodded, Tobi cheered. "And that's all. Itachi, Deidara, you are of course expected to be present at the next bijuu extraction. I will contact you if matters change."

"I understand," said Itachi. Deidara was still too annoyed for words, but they both did the hand gestures to disable the hologram and go back to Itachi's apartment. Deidara stayed seated, content to simply give his usual death glare at Itachi. _Damn it, it's his freakin fault I have to be here, un! I'll kill the bastard!_

Itachi sighed. This would be more annoying than before, with Deidara here. He would be sure to check his food for poison every day-- Deidara was, after all, partnered with Sasori for a period of time.

After a while of sitting, glaring daggers at Itachi who was drinking tea, calm as always (which only served to further infuriate the blonde) Deidara finally went to one of the guest rooms to bed. The next day would be hell for him, having to beg those twins for a place to stay or staying in the same apartment as Itachi... He didn't know which would be worse. Itachi had it easy.

**A/N So I'm going to try to keep each chapter around 4000 words, not too short but not too long. Thank you SO much for the reviews, they make my day! **


	5. In Which Dates Go Wrong and Right

**A/N: Finally, I know. Here's chapter five! Hope you enjoy!**

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing.. yeahhh, if you don't know that... then you have skills**_

The Hitachiin brothers sat across from each other at a very small tea table, both looking rather annoyed. A few feet away sat their beloved Midoru, and from what they could see she was flirting with that scum Itachi. This, of course, was not the case. Deidara had been complaining to his fellow akatsuki member all day, so in truth, Itachi was probably even more annoyed than either twin, though he did not show it.

Eventually, however, they grew tired of Midoru's cold behavoir toward them and they decided to take some action, much to Deidara's dismay.

"Doru-chan!" Hikaru called as Kaoru snuck to the door, preventing any escape attempts. They'd learned, by now, that Midoru was very... shy... Which, of course, only made them further their attempts to get to know her. But this didn't mean she wouldn't try to escape. As soon as he heard his 'name' Deidara jumped off the couch and ran towards the door. Unfortunately, he wasn't allowed to go his real speed, so he was caught between the two boys. Lovely. Just what he needed.

"What do you two want?" _It's unfortunate these two are so stupid,_ he thought, _or they'd realize how much I want to kill them right now, un._ Even Itachi looked up from his cup of tea as he sensed the murderous intent.

"So cruel..." Hikaru said, shaking his head.

"But we still have eachother!" Kaoru stated, looking deeply into Hikaru's eyes and putting on their best twincest show for Deidara, which only served to make him even more disgusted and annoyed.

Seeing Midoru's cold expression out of the corner of their eyes, the twins reverted back to their 'normal' mode and linked arms with her, grinning at eachother.

"Anyway, Doru-chan, we thought you must be sick of Ita-kun over there, so we decided we'll be your hosts today!" They said in unison.

"I'll pass," He said immediately, hoping to crush them. It didn't work. Sure, they _acted_ upset about it, of course, but Deidara could tell that it was only acting.

"Then... if you don't want us as hosts," Kaoru said as he pinned him against the wall with one arm. "... how about a date?" Hikaru finished, mirroring his brother. This time, however, they didn't let Deidara speak. "EXCELLENT!" Linking their arms in his, the twins dragged 'Midoru' out the door.

Itachi watched this scene take place as he drunk his tea calmly. Even he felt some pity for Deidara. He was, however, very grateful that the attention was off of him at last. If it had lasted much longer, word might have gotten out and his brother might have decided to pay Ouran a visit, which wouldn't not be good.

"Hey." A voice called next to him; Haruhi. She smiled lightly. "You always seem to be thinking so hard about everything... Penny for your thoughts?"

"...Pardon?" He asked, not exactly sure what a "penny" was, nor why he should tell her his musings for one. Haruhi blanched a bit. _They don't have pennies where he's from? He must be from _really _far away._

She covered it up with a smile. "Nevermind." Haruhi sat down next to Itachi, ignoring the fangirl squeals of delight coming from the crowd of guests. At this point, Deidara and the twins had both gone from sight. Haruhi chuckled. "Those two seem to have taken quite a liking to your friend there."

"Hn." Haruhi sighed and Itachi gave her a questioning look. Well, questioning for him: more of a side glance that he trusted that the oh, so observant Haruhi could interpret.

"You always say that... 'hn.' Like you don't want anyone to actually know what you're thinking." She explained.

"I prefer my thoughts to remain my own." Itachi replied stoicly. Haruhi gave him an amused look.

"But, right there you just explained one of them, didn't you?"

"...Hn."

"I suppose it just takes the right kind of conversation... Oh, well. We'd better get back to our guests before they explode." Haruhi said, gesturing to the group of girls currently observing their conversation with keen interest and adoring eyes, squee-ing over every move they made . Itachi sighed. Back to being a Host, then.

The twins had decided to take Midoru to the most romantic restaurant in town, as well as the most expensive, figuring that, like all girls, Midoru would fall for them right away in the dimly lit room and the romantic atmosphere. Midoru would look down, not being able to handle such beauty and elegance, then look up and stare at them with smoldering eyes. She would look so cute in the dress that they'd arranged for their date, a soft pink with frills at the collar, very expensive and refined.

...Needless to say, that was merely a fantasy. The twins had taken Deidara to a famous dress shop to pick up the beautiful piece of clothing, only to find that soon after they got there it had mysteriously blown up right before they entered. They noticed Midoru chuckling a bit as they got into the car to go to the restaurant, but they figured it was just to cover up her dissapointment.

When Deidara had seen the dress shop he immediatly panicked inside. There was no way in hell that he was stepping one foot into that place, so he decided to use his quick thinking and some of the last of his clay to get rid of that possibility. Ah, but it gave him a good feeling inside causing that explosion. Maybe he'd be able to handle this night after all.

Or not.

They arrived at the restaurant soon after, the twins pouting a bit because of the dress shop incident. It was worse than Deidara expected. There was romantic, modern pop music to 'set the mood' and dark curtains covering the windows, with an ornate design on them. The walls were covered in paintings and roses and the lighting was dark, the room illuminated by just a few candles at each table, with a crack of light coming from the kitchen door.

The twins each led Deidara to a table on the side of the room, both arms locked in his preventing any escape without making a scene. Deidara glared at them as they forced him into a booth on one side of the table and sat opposite of him, their heads leaning on their hands and staring intently on the poor Akatsuki member. Deidara continued to glare, thinking of a way that he could get away from this 'date' without making a huge scene. Before he got anywhere, however, a waitress arrived at the table.

"Hello, there!" she said, mostly to the two hosts, and glaring daggers at Deidara for not appreciating them. They looked up at her and smiled charmingly, hoping to get some reaction from Midoru. The waitress blushed. "Um... are you ready to order?"

"We'll have..." the twins listed off various foods in another language that Deidara had no idea what they meant, but he guessed was insanely expensive. "Order whatever you like, Doru-chan!" they told him. He looked at the menu and had no idea... what the hell was caviar? It sounded like a dying animal. He glared at the menu, hoping to perhaps erase it's existance with a glare... but there were always explosives, too, he supposed. The twins chuckled at his frustration and told the waitress another few items that Deidara had never heard of. The waitress walked off, still faint from the experience with the two hosts. Deidara wondered what anyone saw in them

The twins noticed that their 'make Doru-chan jealous' technique wasn't working, so they decided to go with another approach-- To impress her with their charms and their wit.

"So, Midoru-chan," Hikaru began, Deidara resisted flinching from the name.

"How is it that you've come to live in Japan? You're not from around here, right?" Kaoru finished. They both looked at her curiously, their eyes watching her intently. Maybe she'd blush.... she would look so adorable if she blushed. Deidara, of course, did nothing of the sort.

"None of your business, un!" He replied. The twins didn't react, but continued to question.

"So you have family troubles? How tragic!" Hikaru exclaimed.

"I didn't say that, just that it's none of your business!" Deidara replied. He had no particular desire to make something up at the moment, and he could hardly tell them the truth about who he was.

Kaoru shook his head. "Look, it hurts her just thinking about it!"

Hikaru smiled and put his hand on Midoru's shoulder. "It's okay, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." Deidara blinked. When did this turn into a sympathy date? A regular one was bad enough...

The food had finally arrived, which was good, because that meant the date was almost over. Except for the fact that Deidara had no idea what he was eating. After taking a bite of some french dish, and nearly gagging, he pushed the food away and said he wasn't hungry.

The twins gasped. "I think she's watching her weight!" Deidara deadpanned.

"Oh, Doru-chan, you must eat something! You're so beautiful, there's no reason to worry about such things!" The other one continued.

"A good meal is important for young ladies like yourself," they said, pushing the food back to Deidara.

Deidara managed to eat it, although he felt slightly sick afterward. Still, at least it shut them up. And the date was nearly over, it had to be, they'd already eaten...

"Waitress!" Hikaru called. The waitress came over at once. "Can we order some desert? We'll have..." _Hell, no, _thought Deidara. There was no way he would sit through another course.

He felt around in his bag for the last bit of his clay and molded it into a small bird. The bird flew around to the front wall of the restaurant and perched above the door. A few seconds later, there was a loud 'BOOM' and the front half of the restaurant was gone in a flash. Deidara grinned. Seeing the place go up in flames gave him a warm feeling inside.

"That's been happening a lot lately!" Hikaru pointed out, as they got into the car. "You sure you're all right, Doru-chan?"

"I'm fine, un, just stop asking that." Deidara replied.

"Well, I guess we'll just go back to our place for dessert." Kaoru instructed the driver and they began heading to the twins' home.

"Can't we just go back now?" Deidara begged.

"But it's not even dark out! And we need to make it up to you that the restaurant exploded, right?" Hikaru said. Deidara gave up arguing, knowing it was hopeless. He sighed and glared at them for the rest of the car ride, leaning back in his chair, wishing the night would be over. Before long the car pulled up to a large intricate black gate. Deidara stared up at the house, trying not to look to impressed. It had to be at least a third of the size of the school, which had to be the largest building the Akatsuki member had ever seen. The twins, noticing the look on their precious Midorus face, smirked and started bragging loudly.

"Sure, its home," started Kaoru, "But we prefer our New York flat to this one," continued his brother, "And our Rome mansion is even better." Unfortunately, these words were wasted on Deidara, as he had no idea where any of these places were.

After getting inside, Hikaru pulled his twin aside while Deidara inspected a statue that sat in the grand hall, concluding that it was complete crap, and blowing it up.

"I think its time," Hikaru told his brother solemnly " to use _that." _

Kaoru looked at Hikaru in horror. "_That?" _Hikaru nodded. "Are you sure that's the only way?"

His brother shook his head. "I can't see any other way..."

Kaoru shook his head. "Count me out. It's not worth it."

"It can't be that bad... I've heard it's the movie that no girl can resist!" Hikaru tried to persuade his brother, so that he wouldn't have to go through it alone.

Sadly, however, Kaoru was adament in his refusal to watch it.

So twenty minutes later, Hikaru and Deidara were left alone in the luxerious living room, sitting on the couch, watching Twilight.

It was hard to tell who was enjoying it less. Deidara tried to ignore the stupidity, although he found if a bit morbidly amusing in it's terribleness. Hikaru tried to look like he was taking it seriously, so as not to make Midoru feel bad or get upset with him.

"'Say it,' said a dramatic male voice. 'Out loud.'

'Vampire!'"

That was when Deidara could no longer hold in his laughter. It was the most ridiculous, idiotic, cliche, dramatic movie he'd ever seen. Hikaru, after seeing that Deidara wasn't taking it seriously either, cracked up as well, letting go of the laughter he'd been trying to keep silent for the past half an hour. He even let his host facade slip a little bit.

"Is this... for real?" Hikaru asked between gales of laughter.

"This the most un-artistic piece of trash I've ever seen..." Deidara said, still laughing harder than he ever had in his life. They spent the next hour flinging insults and mocking the television screen, taking particular enjoyment at how well Deidara could mimic Bella's voice.

The movie had finally ended, and Deidara and Hikaru were still laughing at it. Neither of them had ever seen anything quite so terrible in their whole life, and that included an awful memory of Tobi trying to dance while drunk.

"That was the worst thing," Hikaru paused to catch his breath, " I've ever seen..."

Deidara nodded. "People actually enjoy this, un?"

Hikaru shook his head. "Now I see why Kaoru wouldn't watch it with us."

"Can't say I particularly blame him..."

By now Hikaru had dropped his host act, making way for his real personality. It was nice being with a girl and just being himself. He occasionally got that with Haruhi, but it's not like he could get too close to her, what with Tamaki's obsession. This was something rare - he barely acted this way around anyone but his brother. Midoru was a refreshing change from the other guests. It was all to easy to win the other girls hearts, she was going to be a challenge, and goodness knows how Hikaru loved games.

Deidara decided that he would be able to tolerate someone like Hikaru, so long as he didn't slip back into 'host mode'. This Hikaru he could actually see not hating, and that said a lot seeing as Deidara was... well, Deidara. Still, he could hardly see them being friends, so long as he was in love with his female alter-ego.

The movie didn't exactly make Midoru-chan fall in love with him, thought Hikaru, or fawn over the main character like many other girls would, but it did let them have a few hours where they could just be themselves... which was a nice change for both of them.

**A/N: Here is the next chapter! Enjoy it! ...I swear, there IS plot coming up next chapter, but I wanted to get something up there since I've kept you all waiting so long. Plus I'm a bit unmotivated since I saw another fic with pretty much the same exact premis as mine, Itachi as a host and Deidara as a girl, hikaru/deidara, that was written a while after mine was published... yeaaaah. (*cough and my co-writer failing epically cough*) But, myeh. Here you are. The final pairings are going to be HikaDei and ItaHaru. So if you have issues with them, I'm sorry, they're not going to take up the whole story like they did this chapter, this was mainly to test out those pairings and get another chapter up there before you all hate me. As always, reviews are nice, but I'm not going to beg. I'll try to have the new chapter up by next week or the week after, but I'm working on a D Gray Man/Kuroshitsuji fic as well, so... yeah. **


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